An Ode To The Hybrid

Dear ____________ Community College Administration,

As I was dashing about attempting to find a parking space yesterday, I spied some new reserved parking in the area outside of your newly completed, economic-friendly building. In the desperate hope you had actually added staff parking, I zipped merrily over only to discover you added about ten new reserved spots for hybrid vehicles. I truly must applaud you in your ongoing battle against our current Global Climate Crisis. You have obviously heeded our leading erudite politician and his masterful, award-winning film.

I do believe, however, that we are doing too little. I would like to propose a new, more stringent attack upon the evils of pollution and carbon foot-prints. Obviously, although hybrids do help our emissions issue (though only if you are driving in the city, which obviously the majority of us don't do because we live in the suburbs or the country, but that is beside the point), let me point out a greater culprit: the dairy cow. Multiple studies have shown that the gas emissions of dairy cows car far exceed those of an ordinary human being. Taking into account that leading industrial nations such as China and even England have no problem limiting the human population to save our planet, I have deduced we must share the burden by eliminating our bovine neighbors, regardless of the fact we have spent countless resources to try and save their close brother, the salmon. If we were to all become vegetarian, we would have no need of cows, and we could eliminate them entirely. I am confident the clearly documented and proven ozone hole would begin diminishing instantly.

Then, we must utilize the hides of said cows and fashion them into heavy clothing, as obviously the next step will be eliminating all home-heating systems, such as the atrocious wood-burning stove and slightly less, though equally despicable, natural gas furnace. We would also, unfortunately, need to eradicate the now booming wolf population for their coats, which are comprised of hollow hair shafts. This, paired with the cow hides, could be fashioned into clothing to provide warmth through the cold winter months.

I believe these are some good steps beyond what you have done with the current hybrid parking spaces. I might also include outlawing Hummers and out-sourcing them to Eastern European nations in an effort to pay for the new stimulus package, and potty training infants from birth so as to eliminate diapers (we must establish a state agency to govern and enforce this, however, which might raise taxes slightly). The next stage would be to cease driving altogether, as horses produce far less methane than cows and cars, and thus are ideal transportation vehicles.

I sincerely thank you for your time and your shared ego-centric belief that we can actually change the climate of an entire planet and solve a problem that might not even exist.

The Professor