I'm in the middle of Carolyn Mahaney's Feminine Appeal - so begins my quest this year to dig into what it means to be a godly mother, wife, and friend (and hopefully grow and be convicted in the process).
Carolyn's chapter on the "Delight of Loving My Husband" really resonated with me. She references Titus 2 (it's what the entire book revolves around), where Paul dictates in 2:4 that women are to phileo (enjoy, be friends with) their husbands and their children. It has been more difficult to enjoy Andy lately simply because he has worked long hours and our communication seems disjointed, like two puzzle pieces not quite fitting together. Yet, I am enjoying Merian more and more each day, and it's a delight to see her smiling face in the morning and hear her laughter and watch her learn so much each day (I know it helps that she is such a happy baby). Now, I have only known Merian seven months, and that little will is only beginning to emerge. Let's be honest, she can't even say "no" yet. I have known Andy about six years now, and he can say much more than "no" and has great strengths and weaknesses that I know intimately. Just like the honeymoon phase in marriage changes, so too will there be days I do *not* enjoy Merian. Though right now it seems utterly bizarre to me that young wives must be taught to enjoy their children, I thought the same thing in the midst of my courtship with Andy - how can enjoying him take work?!
BUT, we are supposed to enjoy them all every day! We need to enter the school of love! Husbands are a blessing, children are a reward, and if we spend our days begrudgingly throwing laundry in the washer and run about like a frazzled chicken, we are missing the point and the joy. What hit me most here was Mahaney's contrast of phileo and agape love. We as women are very good at serving - Mahaney quotes Doug Wilson observing, "women are fully capable of loving a man, and sacrificing for him, while believing the entire time that he is a true and unvarnished jerk. Women are good at this kind of love." That hits close to home! I am far more Martha than Mary.
We must remember it is SIN that destroys tender, enjoyable love. Mahaney says she began to respond with bitterness and resentment to little things she didn't mind while she and CJ were courting - and "consequently, my tender feelings evaporated." Instead of turning a critical eye, voice, and thought on our husbands, "if we find our affection for our husband is waning or has subsided altogether, then we do not need to look any further than our own hearts." Oh, how easy it is to think if only we prayed together more as a couple, or he left me little notes, I would feel more love for him! That's probably true, but our love should never be contingent on our husband's actions. He could be the biggest brute in the world and we could phileo him in the power of the Holy Spirit.
So, my action plan consists of:
1). Fostering humility (and much more prayer). This is one of my New Year's Resolutions - to pursue humility. On one hand this terrifies me, because I have seen how faithfully God answered prayers in the past for brokeness and a realization of my sinfulness. But, if I am humble, I will be quick to recognize my fault in a situation and quick to see the positive in Andy. This will, hopefully, keep me from the harpy, critical thoughts I so quickly err towards.
2). Think tender thoughts. If Andy collapses on the couch after a long day and turns on Basketball (highly unlikely, though it may be), I need to appreciate his hard work, his enjoyment of basketball, and seek to help him rest. I must take any other harsh judgement or annoyance captive.
Our marriages should be marked by joyful, energetic, grounded love! There is nothing biblical about a marriage whose honeymoon phase has faded into mechanical, rusty, day-to-day routine. Yes, love will change - our relationship with our husbands should grow and morph as our relationship with Christ grows. But the love should get sweeter, deeper, and more informed. It should not putter out into a whine of complacency.
5 comments:
Thanks for the post Leila,
I like it that Andy works hard, and it is a testimony to many when we husbands do our work as unto the Lord.
Being happily married is hard work, which seems counter intuitive. I think our biggest mistake is that we generally are much more focused on what the other one is doing, rather than Who it is that we are supposed to be looking to for our sufficiency. Easy to write, hard to do.
Keep loving that guy. He does have a lot of good character traits.
Thanks for the encouragement, Chuck :). He does have a lot of good character traits and is a wonderful, wonderful man.
Hey! Okay, I haven't even finished reading this post, but I think I'm listening to her series of messages that this book must be based off of. I just finished "Loving My Children", but I'm not moving on yet. It was too perfectly timely for me right now, and I'll be relistening a few times before moving to the next one. I have really enjoyed them so far! Okay, now I'll go finish reading what you wrote, lol.
I jut finished the same chapter. Woe is me for I am undone! I am so the agape love person and even felt like I deserved a special reward for doing THAT! Where to begin when the phileo has been gone for so many years? Baby steps and trusting God even when nothing changes, for it is for His glory. Thanks for posting this Leila.
"I thought the same thing in the midst of my courtship with Andy - how can enjoying him take work?!" -- hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!! It is only work when he uses your soap without asking! hahahaha!!!!
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