Seeing in a Mirror Darkly

Much has been going on over the past few days - the Quarter is racing to a close, I'm trying to be supportive (which seems to easily equal nagging) to Andy as he slogs through a very heavy work-load for school, and on Wednesday my Grandmother (my Dad's mother) passed away. It seems to have affected me in a number of ways - first, we don't know if she was saved or not. There is always a hope that she turned to Christ in the end, or her avowal that she did know Christ as Lord and Savior was genuine. But her death hit me harder than my other grandparents' - perhaps because now I'm old enough, but also because there is no joy or firm rejoicing. We don't know where she went, and my greatest sadness is that she heard Christ tell her, "I never knew you."

When we are surrounded by brothers and sisters and they are called home, we rejoice though miss them. I think I have missed the gravity of death - the consequences of unbelief are beyond horrific. It's so easy to get comfortable - it's also difficult to trust. My parents prayed for my Grandmother's salvation - they were faithful to share over the years - I had prayed for her, and yet it seems our prayers went unanswered. I've had different (and better) answers than I expected and I've had times of waiting, but this is different. My brain often complicates things - it wrestles with things it can't understand. How can a good God condemn my Grandmother to Hell? Yet, at the same time, I know she is responsible for her sin and her own hard heart. I take comfort from Exodus, where though God hardens Pharaoh's heart, just as many times Pharaoh hardens his own. I cannot know or understand where God's sovereignty and Man's responsibility meet - as Spurgeon would say, "only on the anvil of Heaven." Yet as my heart and my head have battled with each other over the past few days, and been humbled by my own immaturity and pride, I have been comforted by some Puritan prayers:

Who can fathom immeasurable love?
As far as the rational soul exceeds the senses,
so does the spirit exceed the rational in its knowledge of thee.
You have given me understanding to compass the Earth,
measure the sun, moon, stars, universe,
but above all to know thee, the only true God.
I marvel that the finite can know the Infinite,
Here a little, afterwards in full-orbed truth.

*

You have taught me
That faith is nothing else than receiving your kindness;
That it is an adherence to Christ, a resting on Him;
Love clinging to Him as a branch to a tree...
I thank you for showing me the vast difference
between knowing things by reason,
And knowing them by the spirit of faith.

I'm the first one to encourage students to struggle with and wrestle through difficult theological issues. But sometimes I need to lay aside my need to understand and take comfort in "knowing things by the spirit of faith" and not simply my puny reason. Sometimes I must trust, let it go, and rest in truths that God is God - someday I will see full-orbed truth - faith, imagination, and reason will be fused perfectly - the objective and subjective joined - and I will see things clearly instead of in a mirror darkly.